No.399426
No.
I will not tune in tomorrow.
I do not want to laugh.
No.399504
Guy joins a game jam. It lasts a month. He has no idea what to make, spends days trying to come up with fun ideas. There's a week left and he whips up a buggy mess of a game he knows is going to get torn apart. Morning comes, and he checks the reviews and analytics: not a single person played it! He breathes a sigh of relief.
tune in tomorrow
No.399819
"Things will be different in the future!"
The man tosses his coat onto his exercise bike, turns on the TV, and begins to consume his popeyes bucket.
"Things will be different in the future!"
He sets another book on the shelf. It will never be opened again.
"Things will be different in the future!"
The boss calls, and for the first time, the man decides to go back to sleep.
tune in tomorrow
No.399824
very cool
No.400497
A woman is lost in the woods. She meets a hermit who warns her about a hunter who uses a bow to hunt people. The woman is cautious with her movements but eventually bumps into another woman lurking about.The other woman has no weapon so she asks for her name. When she tells her "Isabeau" the woman flees without looking back.
tune in tomorrow
No.400763
The parents respected their child's right to privacy by searching their room when they weren't home.
tune in tomorrow
No.401067
An elderly man returns a laptop he bought earlier in the day.
"What is the issue?" the manager asks.
"I didn't get any of my dedicated rams!" the old man replies.
tune in tomorrow
No.401071
>>399504you couldve just sent them a terrorist threat hoping that theyd delay the game jam
No.401493
You count: eight,eighteen,twenty eight,thirty eight…
Then you have to record your weight
Only to find nothing to height.
tune in tomorrow
No.401495
>>401493i love you from the bottom of my heart. But that joked sucked. Bad
No.401987
she fell asleep but the ground was soft
tune in tomorrow
No.402275
he holds back a door flooding with shit waiting for the custodian in front of him to finish scrubbing the funny faces off the wall
tune in tomorrow
No.402612
What sits in your house, let's you see the rest of the world, is symbolized by 4 panels, and lets others invade your privacy?
Windows
tune in tomorrow
No.403184
i shit myself as a baby but wipe as an adult
tune in tomorrow
No.403238
hahahahaa
No.403309
doday's joge:
me :DDDDDDDDdddd
No.403739
he baked a pizza for lunch and ate it for dinner
tune in tomorrow
No.404122
Piracy: If you come across any illegal copies of our works in any form on the internet, we would be grateful if you would provide us with the location address or website name. Please contact us at
[email protected] with a link to the material.
tune in tomorrow
No.404174
Nice jokes.
No.404540
mom bought a case of soda and told me to hide it in my room so she wouldn't drink it
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No.405043
joined a fbi.gov server for goons but everyone was too horny to talk about somethingawful
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No.405046
I love you OP
No.405590
Getting my receipt checked at the store wastes too much of my time. That's why I started buying more items so it takes them longer.
tune in tomorrow
No.405595
>>405590>wastes too much of my timeI think this would only make sense if it was just "wastes too much time"? Or else I don't get it.
No.405672
Lets eat grandma.
Eat less grandma.
Now its grandma-less.
Tune in tomorrow
tune in tomo
No.406061
He dropped the MMO after a few days. It was too boring for a single player experience.
tune in tomorrow
No.406398
I open the door for a delivery. My neighbor's packages always end up at my house. I sign, and before I know it a bunch of guns are being pointed at me and I'm being arrested for soliciting drugs! They're not called FedEx for nothing.
tune in tomorrow
No.406755
A woman's neighbor asks if she'll watch the walls in her house while she's away for an hour or two. The woman promises to watch, and her neighbor promises to be back soon. Right after her neighbor leaves, she takes a nap. It's not until sunrise that the neighbor comes back and the woman jumps awake to find the walls are gone.
tune in tomorrow
No.407239
He's reading something on a website, gets near the end, and a pop up appears telling him to sign-up to continue. He closes the tab.
tune in tomorrow
No.407730
I wanted my mom to get a new car for mother's day but she wasn't buying it.
tune in tomorrow
No.407792
A guy walks into a bar and then staggers off afterwards
Another guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool. His pants are ruined.
Yet another walks into a bar and sits on a stool. He orders corona.
He ends up dead within a week.
A guy walks into a bar, sits on a stool, amd orders corona.
He gets hammered in the head.
He ends up hospitalized.
Yet still, another walks into a bar, sits on a stool, orders corona, and gets hammered.
He sings Sweet Carolime by Neil Diamond.
But then he remembers, this was his favorite song he covered with his former boomer rock bamd.
He nails it.
It gets hospitalized for blunt force trauma.
(In reality, it suffered psychosomatic damage from that godawful oldfucker singing)
No.408070
My morning hygiene ritual: deodorant, hair brushed and combed just right, nice smelling hair grease, expensive cologne, dirt removed from under the nails, and clothes fresh out the dryer. I walk into work and sit down. My coworker tells me to take a shower.
tune in tomorrow
No.408414
A guy walks into a bar. It hurts.
tune in tomorrow
No.408555
Where is today's joke?
No.408560
A guy decides to go on a cross country trip with his wife. Along the way he runs out of gas and is stranded on the road. A truck driving by pulls over and asks him if he needs a ride. The guy hops in and recounts his journey. The truck driver is astounded by how happy the guy is, but he wonders where his wife is and decides to ask him. The guy says she's back there in the plane wreckage.
tune in tomorrow
No.408582
>>408560This is just sad.
No.408781
A woman is thinking of something amusing to say but can't think of anything. She falls asleep and has a dream where she's tired and thinking of something amusing to say but can't think of anything. She falls asleep and has a dream where she's tired and thinking of
tune in tomorrow
No.408784
A guy goes to the walmart to shop. He loads up the cart with bananas only. He checks them all out, but the cashier gives him a weird look and tells him the total. He pays but comes back to return them the next day. Customer service tells him they cant restock fresh produce. He tells them its not fresh anymore, and pulls them out of his ass one by one
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No.408785
A monk dedicates his life to asceticism. A hot girl passes him by. He masturbates in his next life.
tune in tomorrow
No.408788
a chicken crosses the road, but the egg was already there first
tune in tomorrow.
No.408789
a baby is hungry so his mom offers her tits for him to suckle. an hour later she realizes her breasts are still full. the boy grows up to be a pervert.
tune in tomorrow
No.409143
Guy is broke and wants money. He sees a book at the store titled "Amassing Wealth Fast" and buys it. When he gets home he opens the book only to find each page says the same thing: "Get people to buy a book about how to become rich quick."
tune in tomorrow
No.409259
I masturbate to pov videos of sucking off futas and femboys.
Tune in tomorrow
No.409627
A mare, Icka.
tune in tomorrow
No.410162
One person wanted pepperoni on their pizza. One person wanted only cheese on their pizza. The two couldn't agree on how. God saw this ordeal and decided in good fairness that there was only one solution: one would get the cheese off the pizza, and the other would get the sauce and crust with pepperoni.
tune in tomorrow
No.410502
He asked me if I knew how to code. I told him I was a little rusty. He said the proper terms was "rustacean".
tune in tomorrow
No.410790
Some of the most prolific fanfic writers in their community hadn't even read the source material their stories were based on.
tune in tomorrow
No.411134
i spent several hours trying to do 2 leetcode problems that were medium and easy and couldn't figure out neither!
tune in tomorrow
No.411169
>>410502You should've ended it at "little rusty"
>>411134Hell yeah
No.411524
A woman becomes certified in using sheep devices. She tries applying for jobs but they all want 5 years of sheep device usage. The woman tells her father her problems:
"You must work for free in the sheep devices, daughter."
"Father, sheep devices were invented last year!"
tune in tomorrow
No.411843
A man argues with his boss over how he runs the restaurant. The boss assures him his job is simple and can be done by anyone. The man asks his boss: "If you and your coworkers have to deliver to different places at a specific time, but find that the things he was supposed to deliver are in your car and your stuff is in his what do you do?" The boss confidently answers he would swap the deliverable items between the two. The man concedes, and as he gets back to work mentions he'd just ask his coworker to switch cars.
tune in tomorrow
No.412146
"Hahaha, oh fuck, man you gotta realize that having an existential
crisis isn't realizing everything's meaningless: it's realizing you're
unable to give anything meaning." said Connor.
tune in tomorrow
No.412550
Woman spends several hours drawing a picture of her friend. The day after she shows it to her friend and the friend laughs and asks her how quick it took her to draw something so bad.
tune in tomorrow
No.412552
*badum tss*
No.412564
*seinfeld bass*
No.412566
*yakety sax*
No.413130
He said he was into me and I told him to get out of me!
tune in tomorrow
No.413131
*guitar riff*
"Go on a diet you fat bitch"
*BAM*
*BAM*
*BAM*
"SILENCE!"
"What am I, a bitch uygha? Buy your own damn fries"
No.413505
This girl I liked asked me if I was into Succession. I was pretty ecstatic she mentioned something I knew about. It's an old and simple card game that I didn't like much but I only spoke in positive and neutral terms about it to not come off as a pedantic ass. She had to go in the middle of me talking but it was nice to find common ground. I'll definitely strike up a convo with her about StarRealms when I get the chance.
tune in tomorrow
No.413795
Battles passes are just there to make you play a game longer and inflate the average player count. That's why I just buy them and don't play the game at all.
tune in tomorrow
No.414038
My teacher asked me "Where is in the uh?" and said I wasn't paying attention even though he never said the place's name.
tune in tomorrow
No.414280
A break light on his car went out and he told himself he'd get it fixed when he had the money. The light for an oil change came on and he told himself he'd get it fixed when he had the money. There was a power steering fluid leak and he told himself he'd get it fixed when he had the money. Eventually, he gets the money he needs and takes it to the repair shop. The mechanic tells him the repair will cost $800 but the man tells him that all three of those things only costs $300. The mechanic, now realizing the situation, informs him that he was only talking about fixing his breaks and that the total repair cost is now $1100.
tune in tomorrow
No.414618
Boy comes home from school. Mom went to a housewarming party and didn't cook. Boy doesn't make anything so he can eat all the fast food she brings home. The car comes up in the driveway. He opens the door for his mom, and she asks him if he ate the frozen pizza in the freezer.
tune in tomorrow
No.414916
Guy wants to watch a new action movie. He goes to torrent but doesn't bother checking the files this time. This uploader was always reliable. After it's finished, the command prompt window briefly flashes on his screen and a message appears telling him to pay or his files will be encrypted. He wakes up to his mother telling him his car just got repo'd, and he's relieved his computer is fine.
tune in tomorrow
No.415220
i hate recursive acronyms you never stop saying them
tune in tomorrow
No.415593
A woman wanted to learn how to draw and bought a book to learn. After spending a month reading through it she was finally ready to pick up a pencil.
tune in tomorrow
No.415958
He said he took a shit. I hope he washed his hands.
tune in tomorrow
No.416249
I told my friend the average was ~34.5 units in our fbi.gov server. He said to stop typing like a woman.
tune in tomorrow
No.416264
>>413505This girl I liked asked me if I was into Succession. I felt embarrassed and told her I was saving myself for marriage, even when it comes to oral sex.
No.416592
Fair and square? Yakub and cube.
tune in tomorrow
No.416991
(From a bygone thread I made in the far gone past of a few months ago. Found in a random txt file.)
We were having coffee at the local cafe in Frankton. It was just us touching base on how the investigation was going, but secretly I wished it was more than that. As Vella and I waited in line for our orders to be taken, a man in military paraphernalia came in. His graying hair was cut short, and his eyes all but said 'I've seen enough, but I can't stop.' He moved to the back of the line and a stout man and his family at the very front beckoned him to take their spot while telling the woman at the register to prioritize his order first. It was early in the morning so it was mainly the elderly who were in the cafe. The Bobs, Gertrudes all smiled and nodded at the act of selflessness and kindness that man had shown towards someone who defended our country, and by extension, our freedoms.
"They can't be serious," Vella mumbled.
I was taken aback and nervously looked around to make sure no one had heard her. We only had to wait a few minutes longer. I couldn't believe Vella was this selfish over coffee.
"It's just going to be a few minutes. It's not a big deal," I said back to her.
"It's not about the wait time, Alex. They're acting like he's some messiah because he was in the military!"
The old man in front of us gave us a glance and shook his head. I was going to drop it in hopes Vella would stop talking, and she did, but I couldn't help myself.
"He did something most people wouldn't. To defend our rights to be able to be here and have this conversation in this cafe without having to worry about terrorists blowing us up."
Vella always had a natural scowl for an expression, but I knew when her general discontent began to arouse into genuine anger.
"You spend all day on ONISM reading stupid conspiracies about the government trying to control us through tap water but genuinely believe they're protecting you when they blow up children's hospitals overseas—"
"How the FUCK do you not offer a veteran's discount?"
Vella and I were so lost in our exchange of words that we failed to notice the scene at the register unfolding the entire time, and I failed to notice the gun at the man's hip while lost in the awe of his presence. Vella and I both looked at one another and left the cafe without a word. Several minutes later we heard a single gunshot and the cries of people behind us. It made me feel bad to just walk out and escape a chance at death with only seconds to spare like that.
I was glued to my TV until the story ran at 8 and breathed a sigh of relief. The only person harmed after we'd left was the veteran himself.
tune in tomorrow
No.417347
I was excited to join a club for nobody, but when I came to the next meeting there wasn't a single person there.
tune in tomorrow
No.417512
Thx for joeks
No.417796
"It's getting harder to come up with these."
"Just get more material to draw on."
"But I don't have anything to write down!"
tune in tomorrow
No.418273
He kept messing up his inputs in fighting games and decided he needed a new controller that the pros use. He orders it for $250 and does even worse than his old controller.
tune in tomorrow
No.418523
It was an awful game. The design decisions made no since, what had to be done wasn't clear, the controls were off, and the boss felt unfinished. I did manage to beat it and found the difficulty encapsulates the setting and themes, everything from the levels to the enemies were crafted immaculately, and it's sure to stand up there with the greats in due time.
tune in tomorrow
No.418851
My 10 year old niece asked me if all the still sealed games on my shelf were collectors items. I informed her that was just my backlog.
tune in tomorrow
No.419167
The best things come in threes, sadly this sentence is longer than 3 words.
tune in tomorrow
No.419182
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!
No.419403
My friend needed me to write a rap song for him but I was behind bars.
tune in tomorrow
No.419682
I walk into the kitchen and there's a fly. I sit there, wait for it to land, and swat it. I'm about to pour a cup of juice when another lands on the counter. Same deal. I get the juice out of the fridge and ANOTHER land on the wall by the trash can. Repeat. This went on for almost 20 minutes until I was sure I'd gotten the last of them. I take my cup of juice to my computer desk and a fly lands on my monitor.
tune in tomorrow
No.419927
"Things will be different today" she tells herself before losing hours to twitter scrolling.
tune in tomorrow
No.420035
I CAN'T WAIT for tomorrow's joke
No.420037
>>399819Subverted my expectation.
No.420172
Climate change is a term used to describe the steadily increasing global temperature
of the Earth due to a variety of factors such as fossil fuels, greenhouse gases, deforestation, and more. While climate change has been discussed among scientists since the 19th century it has only been relatively recently that the issue is now at the forefront of an ecological crisis. Climate change has been criticized, largely by conservatives, for falsely attributing the phenomena to humans or its existence outright denied entirely. Center-right neoliberals who consider themselves to be progressive propose a shift towards personal responsibility such as: using paper straws, using less water, etc along with a focus towards renewable energies solar and wind.
Climate activists have claimed that if nothing is done about climate change the consequences will be dire and not far off from our current time. The ocean levels rising and desertification will cause the largest migrations in human history along with massive extinction of plants and animals. Natural
disasters will become more common and far more powerful than ever perceived. The cost
of living will skyrocket as resources become more scarce. This is similar to how the endbringer Leviathan from Worm was able to use its powers and raise the water levels around Newfoundland and several east asian countries causing them to sink entirely. This lead to many refugees being forced from their homes, many of which had to seek asylum in America. Brockton Bay, home of the protagonist Taylor Hebert and where most of Worm takes place, is home to many gangs and one of those gangs is the ABB: The Azn Bad Boys lead by its leader Lung and his lieutenants Bakuda and Oni Lee. The gang is one of the major antagonists for Taylor and her gang The Undersiders for the early parts of Worm along with Empire 88, a gang of superpowered neonazis, and the hero group The Wards. Taylor Hebert is a teenage girl who, after a traumatic bullying incident at school, gains the power to control and perceive things through insects. She has the intentions of becoming a hero, but has an encounter with a villain from The Undersiders named Tattletale who
tune in tomorrow
No.420466
I can't stand trees. They're all bark no bite.
tune in tomorrow
No.420752
You can put a zero behind anything to make its value go up. Find worthless people to follow you.
tune in tomorrow
No.420968
On shelf: Das Kapital, never read.
tune in tomorrow
No.421131
i want you to sit on me
*shit
tune in tomorrow
No.421294
he'd installed more linux distros than people using linux
tune in tomorrow
No.421538
She had no motivation to write a short story for the contest she entered until the week submissions were due.
tune in tomorrow
No.421540
the dog licked an ice cream cone but it turns out that the ice cream was rotten and the dog got food poisoning
tune in 3 seconds
No.421541
the cat tried to sleep on a bed it found but then found out there were bugs all over it that were poisonous, causing it to die of wounds
tune in 3 seconds
No.421543
the mouse tried to eat a piece of cheese only to realize it had been tricked into eating a toxic chemical which killed it in seconds
tune in tomorrow
No.421641
>>421540>>421541>>421543This sounds like a shitty tom and jerry creepy pasta
No.421793
I went to meet Patty, and caught her in a whopper of a lie. Jerry was having a real big mac attack and gave her a quarter-pound of beef to whip up for me after work. I come over to get it and she says she forgot while there's an empty plate at her dinner table and an open box of hamburger helper! I had to tell Jerry the idea was just a nothingburger.
tune in tomorrow
No.422075
Friend asked me if I ever listened to Dustland Fairytale. I told him it's the reason I don't eat at Cracker barrel.
tune in tomorrow
No.422267
He stumbled upon an old japanese ps1 game no one had heard of, only to find a video essayist made a video about it already.
tune in tomorrow
No.422270
She stumbled upon an old video essay no one has heard of, only to find that a 10 hour video essay critiquing it has already been made about it.
tuna in tomorrow
No.422638
He was a writer for a satirical news site that didn't bother writing anything beyond the headline. He was fired when an old man who thought he was reading actual news reported it was blank.
tune in tomorrow
No.422923
People always say I'm tall until I come up short at the register.
tune in tomorrow
No.422930
>>422923i always somehow end up here as the page arrives at the frontpage
No.423234
Learn C#? I just blow into my instrument until the tone's right.
tune in tomorrow
No.423236
ah ha ha ha… good one…
No.423561
I got sick of these cookies making me fat until I found out this trick: If I eat half of the serving size I don't get bigger.
tune in tomorrow
No.423819
Free Lossless Audio Codec. My favorite albums never sounded better. I was ecstatic when I discovered FLAC, until my friend pointed out that my headphones were too bad to actually hear the difference from mp3.
tune in tomorrow
No.424038
On this day, we set off fireworks near the homeless veteran's shelter to show them just how thankful we are for their service.
tune in tomorrow
No.424312
It's a house, not an essay. It doesn't need a "c".
tune in tomorrow
No.424318
tough crowd
No.424320
>>424318its not tough its soft and squishy like putty
No.424581
I hate editing books, there's too much revisionism.
tune in tomorrow
No.424583
>>424318I'd just like to say that a great many of these have brought a smile to my face
No.425028
My mom likes to frame pictures. The police haven't caught on yet.
tune in tomorrow
No.425422
You want to pirate games on your 3ds. They make you install an app called "fbi" that installs ".cia" files.
tune in tomorrow
No.425431
I love this thread, keep it up joke man
No.425907
She spends hours everyday breaking every cipher, looking at every frame, and observing the waveform of the audio. Everyone wanted to know the secret behind the ARG. She uncovers the final secret: a link, to the official website of a film studio.
tune in tomorrow.
No.426272
I didn't forget to post today's joke, just the punchline.
tune in tomorrow
No.426274
I didn't forget to post today's punchline, just the "tune in tomorrow".
No.426282
>>425907Night Mind?
Is that you?
No.426740
The worst part about watching kids is all the bleating.
tune in tomorrow
No.426743
>>426740He can't keep getting away with this
No.427055
"I dead ass didn't know Ice Spice was a rapper and not something you order at Starbucks 😭😭😭😭😭"
30k retweets 460 quote retweets 62k likes 12 bookmarks
tune in tomorrow
No.427056
On one wing, the leftists want to increase the age of consent to 24; while on the other wing, the rightists want to abolish the age of consent.
Naturally as a centrist: the answer was in the middle; 12.
tune in tomorrow
No.427098
My grandfather was asked: "why do you aim with one eye open?" in the military. He answered: "couldn't see anything if I closed both."
>>427077Protip, you can prevent this by putting the can/bottle/etc. on a table and spinning it around itself. Don't know how it works but it makes it not explode.
No.427120
>>427098>>427098>Don't know how it works but it makes it not explode.think it makes any suspended bubbles go to the top so that just gas escapes when you open it. tapping the top sharply for 30 secs works too.
No.427432
I forgot about my loans. They're delinquent now, so I think the lender did too.
tune in tomorrow
No.427673
The youth watch tiktok on their tablets and phones. I watch it on the clock.
tune in tomorrow
No.427674
>>427673so like on your apple watch?
No.428274
She hated going to the bathroom during movies, so she bought a large soda and never drank it.
tune in tomorrow
No.428584
A cop saw a man with a gun to his head and shot him. His corpse was tried for attempted suicide.
tune in tomorrow
No.428941
Up north they call klan rallies "police unions"
tune in tomorrow
No.429158
She spent all her time online shitting on her favorite webcomic in hopes that it wouldn't become popular.
tune in tomorrow
No.429343
Raw men? I'd prefer them cooked.
tune in in tomorrow
No.429748
Why can't you ask a TV about the future? Because they never tell a vision.
tune in tomorrow
No.430169
A man hired someone to kill him if he didn't follow through with his plans. Later, he decided to call off the assassin. His corpse was found on a riverbank.
tune in tomorrow
No.430564
You plucked it out the ground; you gotta pick, man- my neck lurches by some force. The ground is soft but the sky is harsh. Pain pulps my mind, and he hits me again with the same rock. I'm plucked out of the ground and told to help carry the body.
tune in tomorrow
No.430788
how to assert authority over child
how to assert authority over child reddit
tune in tomorrow
No.431053
It took him 20 minutes to find the perfect podcast to eat breakfast to and 5 minutes to finish eating.
tune in tomorrow (in the proper thread!)
No.431407
A man watches TV when his wife bursts through the front door in terror and tells him she saw a snake outside. He asks if it bit her, and she says no. The man, confused, asks why now is she terrified of snakes when she wasn't scared of them before. She tells him that this time she finished the apple.
tune in tomorrow
No.431455
A few days ago, I was walking down the street, and you know who I saw?
That's right, Ronald Reagan!
When I spotted him, I decided to walk up to him, and give him a piece of my mind.
>Hey Ronald Reagan – between your disastrous economic policies, to you selling crack to black people – there's no shortage of disastrous to look at that YOU caused!
>You know, Ronald Reagan, you're a real piece of shit!
Reagan turns to me
<Well, you are what you eat!
toon in tomorrow
No.431644
Aliens exist, they're real. We have their technology and if we reverse engineer it we would be unstoppable. That's why the newly created Space Force needs more funding to protect our planet from these potential extraterrestrial threats.
tune in tomorrow
No.432030
I need a new clock to wake up for work, since I broke the old one for waking me up early.
tune in tomorrow
No.432121
Russia is actually socialist
Tune in tommorrow!
No.432491
Like I said, He's not in it to restrict anyone's rights. He just wants to limit what people can do.
tune in tomorrow
No.432747
Today has been a wild day!
I just looked out my window, and there was a wife beating going on!!
AND in open daylight!!!
And IT WAS MET WITH THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE!!!!
Thank goodness, after a few minutes, it finally stopped raining…
🎶 in 🌄
No.432768
"What do you call a lone light in the sky? A roguelite. The light beside it? A roguelike!"
The audience cackles.
"She told me to write a book about it. I told her Stephen King already did!"
The audience jeers. The main raises a hand. They quiet down.
"Doctor wanted me to take a blood test. I told him you're the one with the medical degree!"
He's meet with whoops and hollers. The applause is so great the theater rumbles as if brought to life.
"That's all for tonight. Tune in tomorrow!"
No.433102
There was a woman excited to play Pokemon Sleep. Her sleep schedule was awful so she barely got to play the game.
tune in tomorrow
No.433543
You can set up a joke and just ignore the punchline. Imagine a guy describing someone who pissed him off and when he's finally done he expects the audience to roar in laughter. There's no joke. It's just him making up someone to get mad about.
tune in tomorrow
No.433900
Guy has a dedicated streaming computer to ensure no one sees the porn mods, forgets to turn off cloud sync.
tune in tomorrow
No.433983
I just hit a mother and her baby with my 2000 Honda civic.
I can not afford to go to jail, so I have ran over their heads, and have driven away.
Tune in tomorrow.
No.434179
If you can't remember your dreams just write them down.
tune in tomorrow
No.434511
A keyblade can open up any path, except the one to my success.
tune in tomorrow
No.434513
I'm on the verge of jumping.
do not tune in tomorrow
No.434530
>>434513Don't do it, we are enjoying your jokes.
No.434927
She read the books everyone recommended, solved as many project euler and hackerrank problems she could, took the time to do projects, and she finally walks into the interview:
"What's the difference between an abstract class and an interface?"
She melts into the floor.
tune in tomorrow
No.434935
>>434927An abstract class is used for creating other objects.
Objects made from the class can inherit the abstract classes functions, which also can have code; and variables, which also can be pre-defined.
These inherits can not only be used like a interface in blueprinting a class; but also classes made from the abstract class can have their own instance of the function/variable, which can allow you to implement a default variable in the abstract class, and have it overwritten in an another class, (it does become bitchy if you try to pass values to the abstract class method).
An interference is the blueprints of the class file.
It can be used to design the class so you don't forget to include functions and variables.
The best way to remember eachs' limitations is that you can implement as many interfaces as you want to a class, but you can only extend one abstract class to another class.
Or alternatively:
You use interfaces to remember what to include when building a queue class;
But you use a abstract class for when you need a generic shape object, which can be used to make a square class, which has a perimeter method that's non-unique to other shapes, or it initializing with a shared default color that can be changed later.
tune in tomorrow
The joke is that I have wasted my day, so I wrote that whole comment to feel "productive"And also I suck dick, but I'm still straight! No.435242
"Runescape is so boring" - the guy watching part 24 of a runescape tile challenge
tune in tomorrow
No.435704
Guy asks me what time it is. I tell him it's eight o'clock. He says digesting that must hurt.
tune in tomorrow
No.435735
>>435704Is this a pun? I don't get it.
No.436365
How can he be racist if he lets black people into his prisons?
tune in tomorrow
No.436686
A man is walking through his home when a feeling of dread overtakes him. His chest is pounding; he begins to sweat. He whips out his phone and googles his symptoms and breathes a deep sigh of relief. It was only a panic attack and he almost got billed for an unnecessary trip to the hospital.
tune in tomorrow
No.437038
He woke up to find his friend holding a net near him.
"What are you doing?"
"Trying to catch some Zs"
tune in tomorrow
No.437294
A drunk man wanders down an alley. A robber comes up behind him and puts a gun to his back, telling the drunk to give up his money. The drunk tells him he spent all of his money on booze. The robber calls him a worthless leech on society and walks away empty-handed.
tune in tomorrow
No.437658
He was ready to throw away his old clothes to make space. Inside his drawer is nothing but new clothes.
tune in tomorrow
No.437963
She hit send on the job application and began studying the company and its interviewing process. The bot in charge of analyzing her resume dumped it in the 0.00015 seconds it took to look at it.
tune in tomorrow
No.438350
She wasn't sure if she wanted water or a soda to drink. Eventually, she settled on sprite. When she took a sip it tasted like water.
tune in tomorrow
No.438657
She made reservations, waited hours in line, looked over the menu, and decided on her meal at the finest restaurant in town: a hamburger with a side of fries.
tune in tomorrow
No.438681
Many say my wife has no purpose, I disagree!
For one, she's a great stress reliever.
Not only through sex, but also through fists!
tune in tomorrow
Also if you find that offensive, it's a JOKE OKAY. Sometimes comedy is alittle offensive, and also meaningless, so don't take it seriously.
Oh also, don't make jokes about hitting men. Abuse is not a joke, and despite what the woke communist snow flame blue feminists say, misandry is not cool.
And if you make a men abuse joke, I WILL report you to the mods.
Look to make it easier, I'll explain why – and lucky you I'm a comedian with ALOT OF BOOKINGS, we comedians are basically modern day philosophers – there's being offensive, and then there's going TOO far.
Alright, so yeah, let's be adults about this, and not have anyone's feelings hurt.
No.439030
"It's called being "homeless" not because they lack a house but the means to actually own one. The government owns your home and the property it's on, are most of us not "homeless?" Notice how the opposite of "homeless" is not "homeful." This is why we need stronger private property rights to avoid communist tyranny."
He unpauses the podcast and brews up another argument as he listens.
tune in tomorrow
No.439424
The Plastic View has everyone talking about it online. A true celebration of cinema as a medium. I was at the theater 2 hours before it opened to make sure I could be the first to get tickets. I went in, paid $30 for a drink and popcorn. Now the tickets-
"Sir, this movie is only available on streaming."
tune in tomorrow
No.439739
His friend put on a song. The song had been building up for several minutes.
"Man this post rock song's about to be insane"
"Post rock? We're listening to the guilty gear strive ost"
tune in tomorrow
No.439958
"Why haven't you opened the door?"
"It seems kinda unhinged."
tune in tomorrow
No.440263
Pantomime class is such a ripoff, not a single mime in there was tired.
tune in tomorrow
No.440272
Request: Can you do a pun related to guns?
No.440274
>>440272Not OP but I can give it a shot.
No.440277
>>440272If you haven't shot a gun with your eyes closed, you don't know what you're missing.
No.440279
>>440277>>440278but if you've never fired a gun with your eyes closed, you would know what you're missing. because you can see. what you're missing. because your eyes aren't closed.
No.440723
He wanted to show his coworker a cool video. An ad for a gacha game played. That was the last day he came to work.
tune in tomorrow
No.441119
I open up the sex and relationships thread and type: "Women love to see manslaughter, but they never want to hear man's laughter."
tune in tomorrow
No.441479
He was tired of being fat and was determined to lose weight. The phone rings. His friend asks him if he wants some pizza.
tune in tomorrow
No.441523
>>441479Oh boy, I sure do hope the man still tries to lose weight in the next joke!
No.441877
Guy gets to the highest rank in CSGO. Friends ensure him that it's a fluke and he's not good at the game.
tune in tomorrow
No.441898
>>441877Interesting, I didn't know the diet man played cs go.
How long until the cliff hanger in the previous will be covered?
No.442082
why did the chicken cross the road?
tune in tomorrow,
No.442086
Barak Hussein 'Barry' Obama Mohammed Soetoro
No.442326
>>442082But what about the guy going to the gym???!???
Does the chicken take part in the story????????
No.442355
He was on his exercise bike while watching anime. He was enjoying the show, until he realized the catgirls had four ears.
tune in tomorrow
No.442691
He sees sunlight for the first time in ages. It's bright. Too bright. He goes back inside.
tune in tomorrow
No.442693
>>442691He goes back into the gym?????????
HOLY SHIT, WHAT A MACHINE
No.443089
Two men were arguing. One was ready to throw a punch, but the other burped in his face making him nauseous. A woman walks up to him asking how he knew to do that. The man replies: "It's just acid reflex."
tune in tomorrow
No.443128
>>443089It's nice to see that despite going to the gym, the mans body rejected violence.
(I'm assuming that's him, it's not very clear).
No.443450
She was talking with her friends on fbi.gov about how the DOM was making her lose her mind last night. Her mother overheard and started praying.
tune in tomorrow
No.444065
"Dime, Dice, Dirt. What do these words all have in common?"
"They start with Di!"
tune in tomorrow
No.444426
Yesterday, I almost tripped while walking up to the front of spanish class and shouted: "Yo soy embarazada!" Before reading my essay.
tune in tomorrow
No.444916
"Wow, this game is amazing." He never played it again.
tune in tomorrow
No.445312
A book club? I'm sure it'd hurt regardless.
tune in tomorrow
No.445679
Be tender? There's only one of me!
tune in tomorrow
No.445988
What do you call a man that rescues people from a boat? A he row!
tune in tomorrow
No.446310
You're pro-grammer. Tell me where to comma goes!
tune in tomorrow
No.446596
Guy walks into a Hospital, sees a bunch of pregnant women:
"Forgot it was labor day!"
tune in tomorrow
No.446601
Stealing OP's thunder.
When does a regular joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent. Tune in tomorrow!
No.446944
HOA said my grass was too high but they don't know about the ones I'm growing in the basement.
tune in tomorrow
No.447202
Your thread? Yeah, I reddit.
tune in tomorrow
No.447350
I'm never paying off your debt because I'm always alone.
tune in tomorrow
No.447516
"Do you need closure for this?"
"It's life, not javascript."
tune in tomorrow
No.447856
She asked if anyone could hear her in the group chat and was pissed no one said anything.
tune in tomorrow
No.448119
I was proud to have finally gotten a steamdeck. I could finally play all the games in my library my PC couldn't. I booted up Pokemon LeafGreen from emudeck.
tune in tomorrow
No.448291
>>447516Isn't closure some math thing?
No.448348
>>448291it's a computer science concept as well. Javascript has closures
because it's a dialect of lisp.
No.448419
He took a shit before noticing the toilet paper roll was empty.
tune in tomorrow
No.448781
We decided to reject Unity and stop waiting for Godot.
tune in tomorrow
No.449226
This website's userbase is actually mostly right-handed.
tune in tomorrow
No.449422
We can make pancakes in skillets but you choose to believe in science.
tune in tomorrow
No.449771
Where does a law student go after they drop out? The bar.
tune in tomorrow
No.450295
Two men get into an argument and agree to meet tomorrow to fight. One man comes, and at the time the fight starts a duck flies down. The other man never comes. "I can't believe he ducked me."
tune in tomorrow
No.450626
Woman who felt like she just aced an interview forgot the email she applied with is the same one she uses for social media.
tune in tomorrow
No.450957
If it's corny, then you better bring me a bowl.
tune in tomorrow
No.451269
I wanted the story to get meta, so I had the main character look at the viewer and say they never meta bitch who loved them.
tune in tomorrow
No.451648
She told me her name was Alisse, and I said "I'd sign you in a heartbeat!"
tune in tomorrow
No.452097
I'm overdue on my cellphone bill. I can't play a game of telephone right now.
tune in tomorrow
No.452351
He wanted a second date, so I plucked another off the tree.
tune in tomorrow
No.452735
Today was daylights savings time. The sun finally had enough in its account to send its children to college.
tune in tomorrow
No.453016
"The south will rise!"
"Then it'd just be the north"
tune in tomorrow
No.453074
>>453016North is not upwards.
No.453297
I used to be named Dave King. I went through 30 packs of cigs in one day, and decided to change my first name to Smo.
tune in tomorrow
No.453764
Joke is the last word of the daily joke.
tune in tomorrow
No.453860
Joke is the first word of the daily joke.
tune in yesterday
No.454226
No sales? Well, I'll sail out of here!
tune in tomorrow
No.454619
It's not a McMansion. It's a White Castle.
tune in tomorrow
No.454683
nice thread, keep it up
No.454935
They found him chopped up in a garbage bag. May he rest in piece.
tune in tomorrow
No.455317
He was a super hero fan for many years. He saw all the movies and bought the merch. One day someone asked him his favorite run of a character. He couldn't answer.
tune in tomorrow
No.455762
"Did you have it?"
I showed her the 2 slices down the middle.
tune in tomorrow
No.456303
After a hard day of cleaning she finally got to sit down. A tone from her phone played and she looked outside to see a croc on her porch.
"Oh no, I crocodile'd!"
tune in tomorrow
No.456341
ʍoɹɹʍɐɯoʇ uᴉ ǝunʇ
,,¡p,ǝlᴉpoɔoɹɔ ᴉ 'ou ɥo,,
˙ɥɔɹʍɐd ɥɐɥ uo ɔoɹɔ ɐ ǝǝs ɐʇ ǝpᴉsʇno pǝʞool ǝɥs u, pǝʎɐld ǝuoɥd ɥɐɥ ɯoɹɟ ǝuoʇ ∀ ˙uʍop ʇᴉs ɐʇ ʇoƃ ʎllɐuᴉɟ ǝɥs ,uᴉuɐǝlɔ ɟo ʎɐp pɹɥɐ, ɐ ɹǝpɟ∀
No.456875
I put a bet on C4, when the roulette hit it I exploded.
tune in tomorrow
No.457271
What do I think of Gen V? I'm really mixed on it. I like how it put its new pokemon at the forefront compared to older ones until you beat the game, kinda the opposite to the original gen 2 games in that regard where you saw more kanto mons than johto ones most of the time. The story itself in B/W had potential but I didn't like how- you were talking about an amazon show?
tune in tomorrow
No.457273
Spell icup
No.457274
>>457273Tune in whenever btw
No.457588
In dependent is now independent.
tune in tomorrow
No.458042
The god from the cosmos reminiscent of a pharoah: Nyarlahotep.
tune in tomorrow
No.458269
You stopped talking to him because he's a commie that likes podcasts? Talk about a red scare.
tune in tomorrow
No.458456
Man who can't do anything right turns left into a tree.
tune in tomorrow
No.458704
The game was almost lost. One more strike and our team went home. A guy steps up to the plate. The other team shouts and asks him who he is: "I'm bat man."
tune in tomorrow
No.458826
zoomer prometheus: yo that shit is fire
No.458960
The plant's stalk that rises high above and rules them all: the stemlord.
tune in tomorrow
No.459227
Yeah I leftcom, just ask your mom.
tune in tomorrow
No.459613
A fat man goes inside a burger king. The cashier is 20 pounds heavier than him. All he can think is what a worthless piece of shit they are while ordering a 5k calorie meal.
tune in tomorrow
No.459915
Play Vampire Savior? Sorry, the only fighting game I ever liked was Darkstalkers.
tune in tomorrow
No.460223
They told me I had a lawsuit coming. I told him I already have a few in my closet.
tune in tomorrow
No.460231
keep up the good work
No.460430
My chicken roommate pours the last bit of juice and leaves the empty carton in the fridge, fowl.
tune in tomorrow
No.460653
I pointed to the potted fern in his music studio. "You're telling me you don't have industry plants?"
tune in tomorrow
No.460923
Boy's mother screams for him in bloody murder. He runs to see what happened. She tells him to get the remote on the TV stand.
tune in tomorrow
No.461170
I ate at an Italian restaurant and ordered pasta. The way the noodles were arranged made it look like a weird face so I sent a picture of it to my friend with "Look at this creepy pasta!" She told me to kill myself.
tune in tomorrow
No.461374
I'm planning on passing down my jeans when I have a kid.
tune in tomorrow
No.461643
"Who's rowing the boat again?"
"Roman."
tune in tomorrow
No.461898
What music does a homophobe like to listen to? Shoegaze!
tune in tomorrow
No.461900
>>461898>6 months, and finally we know why it's called, TUNE in tomorrowBest payoff of all time
No.462215
He fired his gun into the air. When it came down it broke.
tune in tomorrow
No.462463
Sir, I want to send my soldiers to aid you, but your location Isn'treal.
tune in tomorrow
No.462785
"I read about him dying on the news. He went out in a pathetic way."
"That's why it's called an obituary."
tune in tomorrow
No.463102
Guy gets a new vacuum. He glides it over the carpet and the dirt vanishes.
"This thing sucks!"
tune in tomorrow
No.463398
My friend kept beating me at air hockey and I shouted to her: "You're streaking!" Every guy in the room turned their head and got upset.
tune in tomorrow
No.463686
Why would I watch bleach? It's for washing clothes.
tune in tomorrow
No.463942
We sailed out on the ocean so we could sea water.
tune in tomorrow
No.464179
She asked me if I liked nougat, and I let her know how I feel about it and .NET as a platform.
tune in tomorrow
No.464243
holy shit dude what the fuck
No.464262
>>464179so how do you feel about nougat when compared to, like, maven or npm
No.464288
>>464262NTA but nuget is fine. In general C# is a pleasant language and it's a fine language to build system programs with. I personally hate maven and npm. The first for its shit language and the second for how shit it works and how obtuse the CLI is to use.
No.464533
She was going on about the drama in her group chat and I kept going "yep that's some fbi.gov"
tune in tomorrow
No.464786
Guy works out steadily and loses several pounds. He's still fat but is proud of his progress. While shopping, a man glances at him: "Lose weight, lard ass."
tune in tomorrow
No.465121
This new gacha I tried out has such a fair and forgiving way to play
without spending money. You sign an agreement for a certain amount
of the premium currency and the game gives it to you as long as you pay for it in the future, and in love of fairness, the payment is adjusted to the current value of the currency. What a steal!
tune in tomorrow
No.465428
Finally it was NaNoWriMo, and she had her story planned and word count quotas set. She was going to start any day now.
tune in tomorrow
No.465774
He hated race-mixing so much he posted videos from his blacked folder to show everyone how disgusting it was.
tune in tomorrow
No.466057
I only spray the bathroom after I poop when there's company over. The back of the toilet's been getting pretty crowded since I last shopped.
tune in tomorrow
No.466410
"My girlfriend fell down a large crack."
"Will you better fissure out!"
tune in tomorrow
No.466674
"How was your flight?"
"Plain."
tune in tomorrow
No.467105
I told her to take a NAP but she already had a copy.
tune in tomorrow
No.467503
Guy gets idea for something big. He thinks about in detail, all the steps he'd have to undergo. After planning it all out he's satisfied just thinking about it.
tune in tomorrow
No.467835
She waited years and finally got a great deal on the cellphone she wanted. The next day the announced a new model.
tune in tomorrow
No.467855
>>467835this is fairly normal, old phone inventory gets liquidated when a new model is about to get announced, and that's how i got my flip z4 at 700 dollars. i don't mind it being the previous model at all.
No.468157
She finally made a friend after being alone for so long and invited her over to play Smash. She turned the console on and realized she only had one controller.
tune in tomorrow
No.468495
I asked my dad what to do about this annoying woman at the bus stop. He said to eraser.
tune in tomorrow
No.468785
The 2nd day of the week? Twosday.
tune in tomorrow
No.469157
We're proud to announce you will soon be able to sideload apps on phones as long as we approve of them.
tune in tomorrow
No.469667
It's a disappointing day to be a conservative content creator. My documentary titled "TransFormers" seemed to upset a lot of people expecting something different.
tune in tomorrow
No.470171
He had been writing everything down for years and finally he could smile. The worldbuilding for his planned 10 part epic fantasy series was finished, and he was ready to begin book 1.
tune in tomorrow (in the right thread)
No.470224
>>470200The eternal chinletjak
No.470524
My dad keeps saying "the rooftop" and all I can think is where else would it be?
tune in tomorrow
No.470810
I feel sorry for Liness. They're always stuck behind, lone.
tune in tomorrow
No.471251
How to improve your game? Hunt bigger deer.
tune in tomorrow
No.471709
I have a debate against this guy who wrote a few books on politics and stuff. I wasn't reading any of his shit so I listened to a video essay about him to prep.
tune in tomorrow
No.471939
He called himself a monarchist and I knew he was into kingdom.
tune in tomorrow
No.472228
I think she thinks she got probed or something, won't stop talking about feeling "alienated"
tune in tomorrow
No.472582
I'm still waiting for this 5 letter noun to do actual giving.
tune in tomorrow
No.472876
What do you need when you find her acting crazy? Sanitize her.
tune in tomorrow
No.473153
People keep talking about chan but they'll never tell you what's for chan!
tune in tomorrow
No.473501
Wish I got a dreamcast when I was younger. Climate change's killing the big fish now.
tune in tomorrow
No.473516
When I press pgup I want the terminal to show what was in the terminal one terminal's length before now, not pull up whatever command I was there 20 previously.
Tune in tomorrow.
No.473872
"What did the bee do to her?"
"Stinger."
tune in tomorrow
No.474263
Guy's sister asks him if he remembers what today is. He makes an excuses to go into his room to find her a present in panic, and gives it to her while saying happy birthday. She rejects it and calls him an idiot. He remarks: "Christmas Eve, you're a terrible sister."
tune in tomorrow
No.474524
What do you call something that is neither a pea nor a nut? A peanut.
tune in tomorrow
No.474789
You'll never meet a liens if you never get into debt.
tune in tomorrow
No.475250
She went to the fan meetup and was relieved that she wasn't the only one who forgot to bring a fan.
tune in tomorrow
No.475700
My friend invited me over to watch her play this fighting game she got. All she did was complain about how scrubby and unbalanced it was and how the last one was better. I said "Wow, this game's bad," and she looked at me weird and said it's the best fighting game in years.
tune in tomorrow
No.475965
What did the plagues called themselves when they ran for office? The Plagiarists!
tune in tomorrow
No.475975
Someone get this man a job in posicle sticks.
No.476189
They confiscated his hard drives, manga, figures, and dakis while he was in cuffs. He only said one thing as they carried him to the squad car. "Fuck the 3DPD"
tune in tomorrow
No.476555
I had only 5 hours to finish my essay on Lincoln that I just started. I googled his wikipage, "Leland named Lincoln Motor Company after Abraham Lincoln, stating that Lincoln was the first President for whom he ever voted." All I had to do was put it in my own words: "Leland called LMC (Lincoln Motor Company) after Lincoln (Abraham) saying that Lincoln was the 1st person to become President that he voted for."
tune in tomorrow
No.476988
I wanted to show him what the suppressor on a gun does but there was no su around for it to press.
tune in tomorrow
No.477563
I asked a group of people if they saw Beatrix, my pet owl. They all said "who" in unison and she flew down onto my shoulder.
tune in tomorrow
No.478022
my cousin said she needed a gift for minors so i bought her a pickaxe
tune in tomorrow
No.478598
life
tune in tomorrow
No.478930
Former house representative George Santos stated, "I never said I was a leftist. I said I was left-ISH."
tune in tomorrow
No.479431
What does a Legend of Zelda fan send over the internet? A link!
tune in tomorrow
No.479475
>>479431What do links have to do with Zelda?
No.480138
What's the weather called when deer fall out the sky? Reindeer.
tune in tomorrow
No.480465
Where do people go when they owe a cat money? The feline.
tune in tomorrow
No.481117
Grand theft auto? I did it manually.
tune in tomorrow
No.481668
How do you know when the weather wants to see you? It hails!
tune in tomorrow
No.481929
Guy goes to a funeral on whim. It starts and everyone keeps talking about someone being late. The guy gets up to make his remarks hoping that they'll show up before it's over.
tune in tomorrow
No.481971
>>481929 who gets up, the corpse?
No.482212
I told my friend I needed to clear my backlog and she agreed it was time for me to lose weight.
tune in tomorrow
No.482679
They were about to post a joke, and the power died. "At least I can post it when it comes back on!" The laptop battery died as well.
tune in tomorrow
No.482977
She asked me about my pet peeves and I told her I'd never name a pet after a harry potter character.
tune in tomorrow
No.483210
A streamer told someone to get a job.
tune in tomorrow
No.483551
A person into roleplay and another into raceplay are very ecstatic to find someone who likes "RP"
tune in tomorrow
No.483563
>>483551ok but what if RP means "Republic of the Phillipines"
No.483980
What happens to a ghost after they lose a limb? They get phantom pain.
tune in tomorrow
No.484315
I'm making a TV show about a father's children who chase after women. What's it called? The Simpsons.
tune in tomorrow
No.484629
His wife sold all their games to afford a ps5. They didn't notice the difference.
tune in tomorrow
No.484931
What does Al Gore write in books? Algoreys
tune in tomorrow
No.485138
My friend said I didn't know what a RPG is so I fired one at him.
tune in tomorrow
No.485174
>>485138Wow I wouldn't want to be your friend, so mean!
No.485367
What pets do dentists give kids after pulling their teeth? Canines.
tune in tomorrow
No.485594
What did the sister say when she saw her brother's figma collection? "This is real NEET!"
tune in tomorrow
No.486036
How did the guy get to the restaurant? He wok'd.
tune in tomorrow
No.486382
"Where do I find all your past drawings of R?"
"It's in the R-chive"
tune in tomorrow
No.486743
He put wheels on his HDD but it still wouldn't go anymore. Now he got why it was called a hard drive.
tune in tomorrow
No.487101
Did you know It's January 1st, 2024? Happy Knew Year!
tune in tomorrow
No.487426
She kept saying she was in Visible, and I asked her to show me on a map.
tune in tomorrow
No.487631
I got the idea to sell toylets, toys that are smaller than normal, but everyone who calls asks if they come with bidets.
tune in tomorrow
No.487871
I told my boyfriend I like Dark Souls. He didn't wash his feet for a month!
tune in tomorrow
No.488258
Why is it called heaven? Because you're going to be heaven a good time.
tune in tomorrow
No.488260
>>488258I like your jokes thank you
No.488676
Man with diarrhea uses the bathroom. He wipes, flushes, and is about to wash his hands when he has to go again. He uses the toilet again, wipes, flushes, and washes his hands when again his stomach goes off. After going he waits for several minutes until he's sure he won't have to go again. Once he finally decides it's over, he cleans up and his stomach goes off when he's about to close the bathroom door.
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No.489057
Watch Jerma? No thanks. I'm Jermaphobic.
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No.489496
Guy's daughter makes him buy her a subscription forff14. She's playing it one day and he overhears her saying "Yeah, my class is BLM right now," and goes to her school the next day to yell at the principal.
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No.489871
What sounds does a snake make when it pees? PiSsSsSSssS
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No.490188
What does a computer see with? A-I.
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No.490816
What animals do you hire to make sure your mail is secure? Seals.
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No.491152
A man walks into a hotel asking for someone named Lou. The desk clerk replies "You're looking for a Lou, sir?" The man is so offended he walks out.
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No.491483
What do you call it when two labradors work together? A collab.
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No.491893
"I wish I had more games to play" says person who has completed less than 1% of their steam library.
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No.492292
How do you send an email to God? Ethernet.
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No.492633
Cats in the stores, the streets, my yard? It's a cataclysm!
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No.492932
What did the father say while looking at his son in the hospital? I-C-U!
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No.493311
What occupation is also the evolution of man? A postman!
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No.493597
Woman sitting on the floor in complete silence. Her cellphone's face down. She tried to break the news to everyone in the groupchat that their friend died, but added an extra 'o' to "he's a goner".
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No.494025
What do you tell a bug to make it go away? Shoe!
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No.494422
Woman wishes pokemon had competition. She sees ads for Digimon and Yokai Watch on TV and says "Who'd want to play those ripoffs?"
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No.494822
What's an America street's favorite ice cream? Rocky road!
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No.495072
Where do sperm live? Insemination.
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No.495462
I asked my plumber where he was from while he worked. Eventually he was done, and turned to me and spoke. "I'm Finnish!"
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No.495905
Why did the American return the video game? The main character was Maiden China.
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No.495909
>>495905Must suck to work at gamestop, op.
No.496251
A woman asks her friend why she's so bad with money. The friend says it's because she loves baking with dough.
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No.496583
I tried to get the rights to Parasite to make a western remake of it but couldn't, so I had the screenplay writer re-title it to Saltburn.
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No.497129
He came up asking me if I ever got on investing in crypto. I told him I know it's a scam. How would Superman's dog get sick?
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No.497759
"Why are you late, sir?"
"I was Tekken my time."
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No.498093
She asked me if I took the sub to work. I told her I ate it for breakfast!
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No.498396
A woman rubs a lamp and a genie appears. She wishes to live in a fantasy world. The genie snaps their fingers and the woman finds herself in an ocean of orange soda.
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No.498403
>>497759tekken 8 looking real goofy
No.498618
"Are you coming tonight?"
"If I was a mineral I could only be salt."
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No.498988
The game's called Palword, but she's playing by herself.
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No.499335
What part of the body never says yes? The nose.
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No.499643
Where did she send a movie for a friend? His letterbox!
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No.500067
How do cells communicate? They use cellphones.
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No.500582
Why is it called exercise? Because you X-Your-Size
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No.500853
He saw the credits roll on Persona 3R and never knew there was so much joy in meeting new people and hanging out with them. He would reach out to others. His sister called him on the phone.
"Me and my friends are having a party, want to come?"
"No I'm good."
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No.501208
Woman spends hours organizing the various photos she has on her PC into their proper place and breathes a sigh of relief. Her mom walks in after and tells her to please clean her room.
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No.501490
Where do streamers get their porn? PDFfiles!
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No.501494
>>501490ok that one got me
No.501945
Recent graduate is scared he won't find a job since his field is so competitive. He turns on the news and hears about layoffs from several companies, and he's relieved that now there's more job openings.
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No.502418
What do you call a cot made out of tin? Cotton.
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No.502731
Where's Mia? She's M-I-A!
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No.503165
What do you do when you want to put stuff in a bag but don't want it to get heavier? Pack light.
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No.503554
I was looking at my todo list and under everything was "confess sins." It scared me the entire day, why did I write something like that? Now that it's time for the daily joke I remembered I was trying to work a pun between "confess sins" and "confession."
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No.503907
They rebranded it as "X" because that's the first thing you should click if you go to the website.
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No.504291
A guy sits down with his friend for a cup of tea. He has a lot on his mind midst casual conversation, and finally says: "Can you stop talking about what was in my folder on stream? I'm going hard for Biden right now and you're kinda hurting his reelection chances by criticizing me."
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No.504343
>>503554Biographical. Nice.
>>504291Lol
No.504727
She thought of a cool video idea where she took a drum & bass song and removed all the amen breaks, but after doing it she had nothing else to upload.
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No.505106
His friend asked if he wanted to get fried chicken. He had to remind her they weren't in Kentucky.
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No.505468
My friend kept going on and on about imperialism, and I finally told her "You can't call yourself a communist if you don't see how the CIA is laying the groundwork for a stateless society."
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No.505745
What do you call a semi aquatic animal that always lies? amfibians!
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No.506151
What's something that causes a mess but you have do it to clean it up? Dust!
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No.506432
Why does she keep listening to the Code Lyoko opening while driving? It's her favorite car tune.
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No.506481
>>399262My life is nothing but a comedy.
No.506515
>>506432God I love this joke.
It's not even funny, it's just so hyper specific on something that no one talks about, and it made genuinely confused on where I was in time and space.
It's literally the type of joke I'd make for when I want to self indulge on a joke that I only would laugh at.
Respect, man.
No.506528
>>506481my life is like a video game
No.506598
What do you call it when someone makes a pun in a maze? A-maze-zing!
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No.506818
Why'd he have to take a shower? His was missing!
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No.507075
I'm great at Smash but every time I get close to winning a tourney I lose. I asked my pastor about this, and he opened up the book of Job.
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No.507441
What types of waves are these in the game? Sine.
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No.507703
Me and my friend spray painted graffiti on a courthouse. When we were done, I saw her spray painting a stick figure and asked her why. "I'm sticking it to the man."
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No.507999
Why did the ghost keep the wallet they found? Because it was no body's.
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No.508292
I texted him he was a porn addict and he replied with "porn, add dick."
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No.508648
What game did the demon play after a breakup? Devil May Cry!
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No.508991
What do eggs do when they're caught? Scramble!
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No.509366
He heard his sister tell his mom he had a thick skull, so he spanked a hole in the wall with his head to call her a liar.
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No.509712
I bought a unicorn at a farmer's market for my wife. She was upset she had to peel and shuck it herself.
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No.510113
She read online about microplastics and stopped with tap water, now she only drinks it from plastic bottles.
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No.510860
How do cells talk to each other? They use cellular!
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No.510882
The greatest comedians reuse their material as not all audiences have heard it. Of course, the ebb and flow of a show can result in its delivery being different:
>>500067>>510860tune in tomorrow
No.511350
She said my joke was dated, I asked by who.
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No.511708
Who's the coolest character in Mortal Kombat? Subzero!
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No.511746
Personally I'm a bigger fan of Rosa, even if she has a terrible match up against socdems
No.511766
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Tune in tomorrow!
No.512001
My friend told me she bought a ruby. I asked to see it, and she showed me an MMD animation.
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No.512394
Why was the ghost down? It was going through things!
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No.512676
What type of cereal does the military like to eat? Cam-Os.
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No.513118
Why is it called stolen valor when American soldiers have no bravery to steal from?
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No.513479
I went to gamestop to buy a new flightstick for Microsoft Flight Simulator. After I bought it, the cashier shouted "Hope your uncle enjoys it!"
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No.513712
I was telling my friend that I was sick of games being made for idiots that need their hand held. Then she asked me why I got a refund on Dragon's Dogma, and I told her the game never told me where to go on the map.
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No.513846
What do trees and chihuahuas have in common? They're all bark.
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No.513853
>>513712this could've worked better as a joke about dating sims/persona games
No.514080
Me and fellow soulslike devs wanted to avoid the trappings that roguelike fell into as a genre, so we agreed to meet in Berlin to discuss what really makes a game a soulslike.
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No.514341
I broke out of the hospital and one of the employees found me. I overheard them talking and they said they had to re-ward me!
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No.514685
He can rotate an apple in his mind, but not a single bitch.
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No.515316
I went 10 years without brushing my teeth and they gave me a plaque.
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No.515740
Penny arcade? All the games cost a quarter!
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No.516042
What do you do when you want 2 people to do the work of a lawyer for less pay? Pair a legal.
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No.516332
She had a notebook filled with sketches, and a sketchbook filled with notes.
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No.516333
>>515740Damn, here all arcade games cost at least a pound
No.516651
He plugged during our game and had the nerve to ask if I wanted to buy from him.
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No.516937
I scaled the wall. It was a ton.
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No.517118
Why was he always dancing? He was the boogie man!
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No.517345
My artist friend keeps going on and on about about making a eye art. I'm so happy I don't use the internet.
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No.517554
Why are people so obsessed with Lost media? That show was awful.
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No.517869
What clocks always forget the time? Grandfathers.
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No.518160
I did a bread and butter combo, but I'm still starving.
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No.518393
I wanted to spotify my phone but all the app did was play songs.
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No.518622
I'm getting sick of April. They're always playing tricks.
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No.518851
My friend asked me if I wanted to curl. I said yeah, but I wasn't
sure how fun messing with network protocols would be even with a friend.
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No.519185
I can't stand serialized TV. They just add nasty marshmallows of the characters and call it a day.
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No.519414
"Surely, she can drive us out of here"
"I don't know you and I don't have a car."
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No.519676
It's hard to fathom the depths of the ocean. That's why I always say we should switch to metric.
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No.520127
I walked into a restaurant and asked where Lou Tenant was seated. The waiter assured me there's no way they could be here since they don't have a veteran's discount.
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No.520512
What did the parrot say when asked why she didn't fly home? "I was looking for macaw."
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No.520798
How do you start with getting a ship from Earth to space? Planet.
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No.521118
My friend hasn't talked to me since I said he can't be fucked if he says he's also unfuckable.
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No.521580
Coworker asked me if I saw the Eclipse. I said I'm still waiting for it to load the project.
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No.521970
Why did she like doing math problems so much? She was add-icted.
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No.521971
we're coming up on a year straight of daily jokes
No.522220
Brush my teeth? They don't have hair.
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No.522647
I didn't see the eclipse. It was too dark outside.
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No.523056
What do you call a group of white furries? Animal crackers.
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No.523408
Told my friend over the phone had a nice DSL and my mom told me to stop talking about women like that. Some people can't appreciate domain specific languages.
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No.523725
She was telling me about this thread on /siberia/ that was in a heated debate over the best ways to dine and dash. I had trouble finding it until I clicked on a thread about the anti-revolutionary tendencies of Javascript.
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No.524046
Friend told me he was playing TiTs, and I was happy I had someone to talk about Trials in Tainted Space with, but sometimes he keeps calling it "Kiseki."
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No.524047
>>523725>>524046i'm too stupid to get these but bless your heart for doing this every day
No.524432
"Why do you keep stuffing napkins and wrappers into empty soda cans?"
"They're trashcans for a reason.'
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No.525032
He didn't feel like going to the store today when he woke up. After he took a shit, he realized there was no toilet paper.
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No.525440
A pal of mind was really into Nascar so I invited him to a drag race in my area. He said he hated seeing woke shit.
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No.525468
A blind man walks into a bar, and then a chair, and then a table.
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No.525863
I was watching the Fallout show and my dad asked me if I liked Fall Out Boy. I said yeah, and he told me to grow up.
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No.526208
Why did their jokes always hurt? They never stop pun-ching.
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No.526428
Saw a short king on fire, all I could say was "man, lit."
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No.526720
Got ready to go to town and asked my brother if he saw my friend Mikey. He said he's sorry for losing it.
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No.526968
I had a calculus exam, so I arrive early to class. Of course it's the weird dude,always sits in the front and wears the same 3 pairs of graphic tees and pants, who's the first one right there on his laptop. I'm flipping through my notebook trying to study when this guy starts moving from seat to seat like he's in grade school until he's finally beside me. I'm praying he doesn't say anything to me, and he didn't for several minutes until I heard a "H-have you ever heard of Black Souls?"
I wish I just ignored him, but I want to be nice so I'm like "You mean Dark Souls?" and then he goes "No, Black Souls. It's made in rpgmaker." Then he starts gabbling about some guy in a dark fairy tale world and how its this intricate blend of Dark Souls, "arrow gay", and turnbased combat. I was about to tune out until he moved his desk beside mine until they touched tips and started googling up images of some character he was talking about. Tried to tune him out in hopes he realized I wasn't interested and then he goes "Red Riding Hood fucks dogs" right as the professor walks in with a clear view of his screen. But to make a long story short, I beat the game last week.
Thank you for tuning in.
END OF BROADCAST
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